For the past year I have been working for my University in a convenience store that is located in one of the dorms on campus. Over this period of time I have taken note of a few of the types of people who enter my store. Granted, these are the more extreme cases, but truthful and consistent nonetheless.
1. The Hopelessly Naïve Freshman
Seeing as I am merely a junior myself, I find it hard to be exceedingly critical on too many of the freshman I encounter. I was there once, I was disoriented, perplexed, petrified of the big college world. But I mean, come on, there are some things that should be evident when you walk into the convenience store that is located directly under your dorm. No, we do not sell beer here. You’re living in a dorm, it is unmistakably stated in the agreement and posted all over the halls that you aren’t allowed to have alcohol in your room, why on earth do you think we would provide it anyways? I’m sure you thought it was the perfect plan, flawless even, “Hey brah, I bet we could just go down to the convenience store and stock up on some booze, they’ll never know we’re under age.” Sadly, my vapid freshman friends, we are not as senseless as we may look. Besides, anyone who is 21, and could buy liquor, still living in the dorms may need to seriously reconsider their life choices (RA’s and staff excluded). So for the last time, no, we do not sell beer. I full heartily regret to inform you that you’ll have to find some alternative “hook-up” for your spirits of choice.
2. The Foreign Exchange Student
If there were one element to my job that I especially grieve, it would be the unfortunate circumstance that most prevalent stereotypes are resolutely confirmed on a routine basis. The population sample for this observational experiment would be the foreign exchange/transfer students who wander the aisles of the store. Without going into plentiful detail, at the risk of painting myself as a modern day racist let it suffice to say your consistent food choices, blank stares, and mildly incoherent/broken speech give my joke-of-a-job an inkling of a trial. With the help of you, my traveling peers, most pigeonholes are naturally filled.
3. The Perpetually Stoned Munchies-Seeker
You, my pot smoldering friends, are my personal favorite. You provide me with all of the entertainment that is necessary to lug me through one shift at this dreary, redundant job. While your eye-drops do wonders to conceal your mental state, your slack composure and assortment of chocolates, hot pockets, chips and copious amounts of water do not fool me. And even if I were to give you the benefit of the doubt and pass you off as an emotional-stress eater, you falter once more by handing me your Chipotle gift-card as a form of payment. As you suppress your fit of giggles and fumble with your wallet to find your student ID, I commend you on your efforts. Thank you, and thank you again for being brave enough to make the endeavor into public and deliver me with an indispensible amount of comic relief.
4. The Unnecessary Tree Killer
You bought a bag of Doritos. Congratulations, you are about to get a bag of air filled with five chips and a conglomerate of dust congregated at the bottom of your snack sack. But as if these two dollars of well-wasted money is not enough for you, how about you go ahead and ask me to put it in a bag. No, seriously, go ahead and do it, I dare you. Because the moment you ask me to put your bag in a bag, you are asking to receive the most judgmental and snarky glare you have ever combated. I nearly feel as if I should have a stack of ‘Xzibit’ Meme flyers for people like you, reading, “Yo dawg, I hear you like bags, so I put your bag in your bag so you can carry your bag in a bag.” Needless to say, there are a plethora of students who ask me to bag small items to a painful extent, but there is none worse than the bag in a bag. None.
5. The Condescending, Self-Righteous Prick
For any given deity’s sake, I am a sophomore in college and I am trying to earn a little extra money at a flexible job. Absolutely do NOT give me that look which divulges your inner opinion that you consider yourself as superior. Just because I work for the University and wear a dinky, little nametag gives you no right to act as if you are above me. You may imagine yourself as being subtle, but I regret to inform you that your actions and arrogant air give you away. Do not throw your food down at the counter at me, do not toss your form of payment in my general direction, and especially do not scoff at me when I ask how your day is going. You do realize that I control the final price of your purchase, right? Not that I would ever overcharge someone for being a complete a-hole to me. No, that would be immoral and abuse my power. But it sure is tragic when I ring up your seven-dollar sushi as ten dollars the moment you slam down your Starbucks Frappuccino Bottle on my counter. Jeeze.
So there you have it. Mind you, these are only a few types of people that I encounter at my job, but needless to say they are the ones that bring the most entertainment (of a sort). But please remember, us Housing and Food Service workers are people, too, so I am always quietly judging you from behind the counter. It is part of my job, after all.